I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
