Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
