apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
