yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Who died my cat blue again?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
