And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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