thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
should my penis look like a turkey
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
