the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
