I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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