hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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