he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
