did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
