i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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