my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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