The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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