My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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