every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We have so much sex to catch up on
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
