the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize