do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
