I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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