I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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