If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
