The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
