i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
