I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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