So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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