my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
