im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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