in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
