Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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