You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i think i have two assholes
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
