you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
