did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
i out mim tonsoeep
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