how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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