got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
