I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
