I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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