At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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