woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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