Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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