walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
