Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize