ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
