I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
