I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
