hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
