explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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