Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
