Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
