Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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