Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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