He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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