My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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