I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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