Got a toothbrush?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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