I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
