you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
