she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
