life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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